can't cook, still fat

I legit need a boyfriend/housemate/someone I can pay in hugs who can cook.
I make such ghetto meals.
Like right now, I'm making rice.
Just plain brown rice.
Which I've already almost had a catastrophe with as I forgot that I was using my half measure cup to add the water so only put in like half the required amount.
This was after thinking three times "gees, there's not a lot of water in there. I hope it doesn't burn to the bottom of the saucepan."
Man. I am an idiot.
But yeah, making rice.
And you know what I'm going to do to turn that rice into a meal?
A 9pm at night meal?
I'm going to add a sachet of fucking mango chicken paste to it.
Yep.
Rice and sauce.

Just fucking call me Nigella.


HOLD UP!
Totally found a bag of frozen peas and corn in the freezer.
Better believe they're headed into the pot too.
Now it has three colours, totally counts as a complete meal.

NOW call me Nigella.


I totally just scolded my mouth on the first spoonful.
Seriously, who put me in charge of my own survival?